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1.) A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....
Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and this is the end of my shift. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop, I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.
2.) You are most likely a Corvette owner if....
 If you've ever bought a piece of clothing to "match the car."
If you have multiple cars in the family, but everyone refers to the corvette as "THE car"
You've driven an hour+ and had to take a day off work to buy a $10 car part (that does not affect the operation of the car in anyway)
If your car is 26 years old and you find out that it still has the original fuel filter, and you're HAPPY!
If you have more than one car, and the one that is 20 years older than the other runs 10 times better
If you know the exact DATE which your car was built (Jan 16, 1974)... but forget your girlfriend/wife's birthday (Uh, I was going to get you something honey but I...)
If you know the exact day you bought your car (April 3, 1999).... But forget your anniversary.
If you've ever explained (in detail) to your girlfriend who "Zora" is...
If you know that "Corvette" is a small French ship known for it's maneuverability.
If you have 100% cotton towels for your car and you use old, worn-out ones in your bathroom.
If you have a PO Box that your wife does not know about so you can get your mods in the mail.
If you refer to your Vette as if it were your child.
If, instead of your spouse, you carry a picture of your car in your wallet.
You hang pictures of Vettes in your GARAGE so she's not lonely.
If you've actually had a momentary twinge of worry at night, when you turn out the light in the garage, about leaving your 'Vette alone in the dark.
You spend more time vacuuming the 20 square feet of carpet in your Vette than your 2000 square foot house.
Feel that you must scrub the underside, you never know, some mechanic may get the wrong impression of you if it's dirty.
Find yourself looking at your reflection in large plate glass as you drive by.
If a bird craps on it, you stop turn around and go home to clean it off.
Drive around town to every Starbucks looking for an outside table next to a parking place because you think people are impressed by watching you drink coffee next to your Vette.
You order a build sheet for your Vette even though you have no idea what it means.
You have a window sticker hanging in your bedroom.
You think people that drive BMW's are commies.
You think all Japanese cars are junk driven by young punk rice boys that want to race you...
...You think there's a chance it may rain.. I'll take the Lexus...
...SUVs aggravate you because they are bigger that you are..
You find it necessary to keep pressing that little button that goes between oil temp/water temp/fuel avg./ etc..
Even though you've never changed oil in any car you've ever owned, you want to do it on your Vette because nobody else knows how...
You go to the drug store to buy cotton swabs for your car instead of your ears.
You cause traffic jams as you maneuver your Vette around a puddle of water in the street.
When nobody is looking, you talk to it and swear that it understands you...
You get very depressed if you've been cruising all day and stopped many times but nobody comes up and says.. "Wow, nice Vette!"
You keep a shop manual in the bathroom for your reading enjoyment while taking a dump...
If you understand that "Owning" does not necessarily mean "Driving".
You have one pair of sunglasses that are designated Vette shades.
You never wear them while driving the "other car".
You spend half an afternoon and cause bodily harm to yourself trying to get that last little leaf that's stuck to your radiator through that little hole on the right side of the shroud.
If every time you talk about your Vette to ANYBODY, you say "The Vette" instead of car.
If nobody under the age of 30 is allowed in your garage.
If the weatherman predicts rain and you are VISIBLY upset.
If you yell "Save the wave!" to people who don't wave back.
You have an 11'X4' corvette poster on the wall above your bed.
You wave at other Corvette owners when you are out for your evening jog.
Your friends make sure they bring up your car more than you do, when you meet new people.
 You tell everyone that you will drive yourself when a big group is going out even though there is plenty of room in another vehicle.
And everyone fights over who gets to ride with you.
You flip through every page of Eckler's, Mid America and Corvette Central every month even though they have the same parts every month.
You look at parts for C1s, C2s, C4s, and C5s even though your car is a C3.
Ooo" and "Ahh" over another Vette, that for all intents and purposes could be your Vettes twin (same year, color, etc.)!
While looking to buy a house, garage space and condition is the first thing you look at.
You decline a night at the "gentlemen's" clubs with friends, because you need to be up early the next morning to get to the track.
You grit you teeth, and scowl, every time you see a Mustang on the road.
Your 10 year old kid has been programmed to warn his little friends to stay away from the car without you having to prompt him.
3.) A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights, pulled back the blanket. There she was, in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? Who do you think paid for our new boat? He did!"
The husband looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"
The cabbie smiled and answered, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."
4.) I drove my Vette to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes but when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
Deciding that the least I could do was give it a try, I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a 'pencil necked nazi'. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald rear tires!!
Then I called him a 'horse's ass'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 10 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. I let him know what I thought of him. And besides, my Vette was parked around the corner ...
5.) A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding (in his C5) and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the blonde ^&%*# who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun ? What gun ?? ...there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it
Driver: I said what ???? Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah - And I'll bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too!
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